when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
