The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
