I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
