He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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