Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
