Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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