the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
