i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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