This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I want a musical about memes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
