Whod you bang
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
