16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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