I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
