I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
