The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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