Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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