apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
