I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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