I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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