apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
