I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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