"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
