Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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