Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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