So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
