I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
