Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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