Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
