She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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