guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you had me at cake vodka
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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