His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
