His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
