i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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