I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
