I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
