we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
