Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
