I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
