People in love make me want to vomit
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize