I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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