Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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