stop calling my apartment porn island.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Come on in and take your pants off
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