I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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