airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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