Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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