i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
