do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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