Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
