Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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