omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
