everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
