i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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