Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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