He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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