haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
