Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
