if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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