I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I deserve this hangover.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
