if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
